So really, I try not to talk about it OMGALLTHETIME, but I can't stop.
Can't help but smile every time I turn on the news & they say something beneficial about a diet high in greens. This time, it prevent varicose veins. Muahaha.
Not to mention how healthy I feel on a personal level. When I wake up in the morning there's no mental fog, everything is clear. All my stomach & digestive problems are MIA. (They can stay that way toooo). My skin is clearing up too. It's amazing how rewarding being aware of what I'm eating & making ethical decisions about my food can be. I also have a genuine interest in food & nutrition. It's really good for me. I used to survive off of free food, near starving. My blood sugar got ridiculously low all too often. I was trying to eat something small & inexpensive once a day, with no regards to it's nutritional value. No more of this, and I really won't miss those days.

How other people view veganism & vegans is still something I still don't quite know how to deal with. A lot of my friends are afraid to go out for coffee, like we always did. They're unsure of "if [I] can eat anything" at their favorite restaurants. Yesterday I went out to eat with a friend & it was fun. She treated me totally normal... well, she did make fun of me for making the staff bust out the ingredients listings on several occasions, but I would have too. All in all it was really refreshing.

I hate how (it seems like) every time I embrace something that is really true to myself it makes me more of an outsider to others. The more I really am me (or something to that affect) the less I relate to the people around me. And that goes for anything, my sexuality, my religious beliefs (or lackthereof, thank you), politics, ethics, you name it- it makes me feel alienated.
There's that Kurt Cobain quote that every outsider kid loves- "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." But on what level? I'm tired of it, in a way. Why can't you just be loved for being who you are?

stone cold sober grey

no tea makes for boring time.
no really... I feel so boring & uninspired. There's an episode of the Carebears this all reminds me of. The entire town turns grey & the Carebear cousins (who are infinetley cooler than the Carebears... I mean the Forest of Feelings fucking rocks, come on...) have to step in & save the day. Where is Bright Heart Raccoon where I need him? (And more importantly, will he bring a bong?) All of my creativity cannot be conjured through a glass pipe... can it?

different directions

like driftwood, far & distant
smooth & well worn
a thousand miles from home
...
there are so many things i've missed out on because i was going to the other way. & i wouldn't have it any other way.

future lament

i wish that i had a magical crystal ball. that i could know the future two hundred pages from now. if i knew the future, what would i do with said knowledge? would i change it? would i accept it? try to improve it? i just want to see how i would react. is it miserable? is it happy? there are so many questions because the future is something i'll never really know. never really have grasp on. they don't let me read the advance press copies anymore. not in this life. i'm not afraid of what secrets the future holds, i'm curious. curiosity has killed so many more cats than fear. i just want to skip ahead a few chapters...

of death & the color grey

death is all around & people welcome it into their homes
& it sort of scares me
& it's all so willingly
they pay for it, ask for it, beg for it
& it terrifies me
& it alienates me

i have never felt so lonely as when i feel "at one" with myself.
sometimes i am done with all the bipolarity of... everything.
no more black & white
instead
all shades of
grey

laughing goat

i need to start smoking a new kind of cigarettes. i should walk to the store & buy some right now, but that would just be too easy. going to choke this other half a pack down, should last me the night. going to the store is just what they want you to do.

most people would consider it a shitty night. autumn has crept in secretly & silently behind our backs. cold & rainy & death bringing. wet dead leaves cling to the ground all around me. i think it's nice out, although i must admit, if beer had the warming powers of hard liquor or the naked body of someone sleeping next to you i would indeed be out on my way to the store. it's not very far after all. and the weather is nice.
instead i am content just stay here. silent & solitary. smoking & drinking. writing & thinking. obsessing over the yellowing leaves. dreaming of going home.

isn't this what you always wanted? isn't this what you thought you needed? aren't you happy with this life. this special order. something you customized. when there is nothing higher up, it really is yours. fate in your own hands. your own destiny is your own fault. fault in america is such a dirty word though. with such dirty connotations. we love fault here. as long as it is never ours. faultfaultfaultfault. not mine! but really know, seriously now. this is all there is. your own special blend of reality. specialty. special just for you & me & the man in the corner in the grey hat who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with me. and the bad blues from the man who looked just like his guitar. all spiraling around forever in this tiny segmented reality. my tiny segment of reality. perhaps. scared of inanimate objects imitating life... did he choose the guitar (or perhaps it chose him) & to answer that we'll never know.

pack all your bags, your notebooks, your uniball pens. it's hunting season...

certainly so

[alien's note:: this is an elaboration on the ramblings below, a conitinuation, sort of]
it comes with a sort of predetermination. a set of clear expectation. it makes it easy. it means you are not free. i cling to the labels, the catagories of society that i accept & embrace. want to make my own. already are my own. to discover there's an entire school of thought, already on your wavelength. already operating, & carving a niche for you to settle in & take a nice warm nap. we're talking safety & security. that sort of gestalt moment when everything falls into place. right before your very eyes. and it's all been done before. don't worry we're there for you, or you're all alone- which you prefer dear. it's all about you baby.
& my theory on somethings is this: the easiest way to bond with someone in an intentional or unintentional manner is to be unhappy in the same way. (whether spoken or unspoken) suffer the same trials & tribulations, share the same battle wounds. maybe that's why some marriages work. i don't know & i don't really care much about that subject. we're not really here to talk about that, you know?