So really, I try not to talk about it OMGALLTHETIME, but I can't stop.
Can't help but smile every time I turn on the news & they say something beneficial about a diet high in greens. This time, it prevent varicose veins. Muahaha.
Not to mention how healthy I feel on a personal level. When I wake up in the morning there's no mental fog, everything is clear. All my stomach & digestive problems are MIA. (They can stay that way toooo). My skin is clearing up too. It's amazing how rewarding being aware of what I'm eating & making ethical decisions about my food can be. I also have a genuine interest in food & nutrition. It's really good for me. I used to survive off of free food, near starving. My blood sugar got ridiculously low all too often. I was trying to eat something small & inexpensive once a day, with no regards to it's nutritional value. No more of this, and I really won't miss those days.

How other people view veganism & vegans is still something I still don't quite know how to deal with. A lot of my friends are afraid to go out for coffee, like we always did. They're unsure of "if [I] can eat anything" at their favorite restaurants. Yesterday I went out to eat with a friend & it was fun. She treated me totally normal... well, she did make fun of me for making the staff bust out the ingredients listings on several occasions, but I would have too. All in all it was really refreshing.

I hate how (it seems like) every time I embrace something that is really true to myself it makes me more of an outsider to others. The more I really am me (or something to that affect) the less I relate to the people around me. And that goes for anything, my sexuality, my religious beliefs (or lackthereof, thank you), politics, ethics, you name it- it makes me feel alienated.
There's that Kurt Cobain quote that every outsider kid loves- "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." But on what level? I'm tired of it, in a way. Why can't you just be loved for being who you are?

stone cold sober grey

no tea makes for boring time.
no really... I feel so boring & uninspired. There's an episode of the Carebears this all reminds me of. The entire town turns grey & the Carebear cousins (who are infinetley cooler than the Carebears... I mean the Forest of Feelings fucking rocks, come on...) have to step in & save the day. Where is Bright Heart Raccoon where I need him? (And more importantly, will he bring a bong?) All of my creativity cannot be conjured through a glass pipe... can it?

different directions

like driftwood, far & distant
smooth & well worn
a thousand miles from home
...
there are so many things i've missed out on because i was going to the other way. & i wouldn't have it any other way.

future lament

i wish that i had a magical crystal ball. that i could know the future two hundred pages from now. if i knew the future, what would i do with said knowledge? would i change it? would i accept it? try to improve it? i just want to see how i would react. is it miserable? is it happy? there are so many questions because the future is something i'll never really know. never really have grasp on. they don't let me read the advance press copies anymore. not in this life. i'm not afraid of what secrets the future holds, i'm curious. curiosity has killed so many more cats than fear. i just want to skip ahead a few chapters...

of death & the color grey

death is all around & people welcome it into their homes
& it sort of scares me
& it's all so willingly
they pay for it, ask for it, beg for it
& it terrifies me
& it alienates me

i have never felt so lonely as when i feel "at one" with myself.
sometimes i am done with all the bipolarity of... everything.
no more black & white
instead
all shades of
grey

laughing goat

i need to start smoking a new kind of cigarettes. i should walk to the store & buy some right now, but that would just be too easy. going to choke this other half a pack down, should last me the night. going to the store is just what they want you to do.

most people would consider it a shitty night. autumn has crept in secretly & silently behind our backs. cold & rainy & death bringing. wet dead leaves cling to the ground all around me. i think it's nice out, although i must admit, if beer had the warming powers of hard liquor or the naked body of someone sleeping next to you i would indeed be out on my way to the store. it's not very far after all. and the weather is nice.
instead i am content just stay here. silent & solitary. smoking & drinking. writing & thinking. obsessing over the yellowing leaves. dreaming of going home.

isn't this what you always wanted? isn't this what you thought you needed? aren't you happy with this life. this special order. something you customized. when there is nothing higher up, it really is yours. fate in your own hands. your own destiny is your own fault. fault in america is such a dirty word though. with such dirty connotations. we love fault here. as long as it is never ours. faultfaultfaultfault. not mine! but really know, seriously now. this is all there is. your own special blend of reality. specialty. special just for you & me & the man in the corner in the grey hat who keeps making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with me. and the bad blues from the man who looked just like his guitar. all spiraling around forever in this tiny segmented reality. my tiny segment of reality. perhaps. scared of inanimate objects imitating life... did he choose the guitar (or perhaps it chose him) & to answer that we'll never know.

pack all your bags, your notebooks, your uniball pens. it's hunting season...

certainly so

[alien's note:: this is an elaboration on the ramblings below, a conitinuation, sort of]
it comes with a sort of predetermination. a set of clear expectation. it makes it easy. it means you are not free. i cling to the labels, the catagories of society that i accept & embrace. want to make my own. already are my own. to discover there's an entire school of thought, already on your wavelength. already operating, & carving a niche for you to settle in & take a nice warm nap. we're talking safety & security. that sort of gestalt moment when everything falls into place. right before your very eyes. and it's all been done before. don't worry we're there for you, or you're all alone- which you prefer dear. it's all about you baby.
& my theory on somethings is this: the easiest way to bond with someone in an intentional or unintentional manner is to be unhappy in the same way. (whether spoken or unspoken) suffer the same trials & tribulations, share the same battle wounds. maybe that's why some marriages work. i don't know & i don't really care much about that subject. we're not really here to talk about that, you know?

certainly not

when you label yourself, define yourself, its invigorating. comforting. when others label you it's like a death sentence. stifling. i believe in self fulfilling prophecies. you become what you want to see or you become what they already see you as. reality is nothing more than shifting perceptions. you are nothing more than a product of your environment, of perception. you are certainly not free.

kitten leaves

i was born in the autumn. i was born in a time of dying. i became alive while everything around me died. it's a hard time for me. it's an interesting time. a time to be reborn. a time to reinvent. a time to die. i don't have anything else. so, i have the seasons. they come they go they affect me.
i love autumn in a way i can't explain. it's the only time i'm happy like this. the only time i'm sad. there's a joy in the death of the leaves. it's under my skin, it's in my blood.

the creature

There is a creature. It has to feed.
It stops at nothing to fill its need.
The people live in gruesome squalor,
So that the creature may grow taller.
Those with nothing have to bleed,
To help the creature spread its seed.
They learn to dine on fecal matter,
So that the creature may grow fatter.
The creature tells of evil gnomes,
Coming to destroy our homes.
And trolls who come with gun and knife,
To threaten our way of life.
The creature has enslaved our town,
But no one thinks to bring it down.
Provided with so much distraction,
The people can't be moved to action.
And when the people are all dead,
Still the creature needs its bread.
When we've been sucked completely dry,
The creature needs its food supply
(a parasite cannot survive unless its host remains alive.)
It has amassed such awesome wealth,
Maybe it can eat itself.
-sleepytime gorilla museum- the creature (lyrics)

i'm currently reading 'under the banner of heaven' by jon krakauer & not worshipping anything or anyone. thank you. blind faith is not really something i'm capable of. i didn't even trust the easter bunny as a child.

emPLOYment

so, i got a job. & i'm going to miss unemployment. i'm going to miss sitting on the couch all day knitting, reading, & smoking. i'm not going to miss losing total track of time & not getting out for several days at a time. i'm sure my posture will improve as well...
unfortunatley i make/deliver pizzas which means lots of contact with meat. so much contact with meat. how do vegetarians/vegans get a job in the food service industry? i'm so afraid of death & yet i let people put it into their bodies. i put it on the passenger seat of my car...
i guess it doesn't really matter. i'm finally getting a sack (after being out for a fucking week) later today. so i'll be content with whatever. marijuana is really good at that.

hips, tits, lips, power

cos i love the ladies:

Your Score: Curvy and Naughty

Raw score: 74% Big Breasts, 59% Big Ass, and 40% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and sexier composures than others who've taken the test.




Note that you like women overall curvier than average.




My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sexier, naughtier look. Kudos!



Recommended Celebrities: Supermodel Laetitia Casta and Actress Angelina Jolie.

++++++++
holy crap, laetitia casta- i think i am in love...

about george washington

sometimes, it takes a while for all this shit to sink in. i'm sitting here & the air is cool & crisp. & that's really all there is. & you are not here anymore. & they are not here anymore. the world isn't real anymore. & it's all right here. everything is right in front of me. everything i have. everything there is. there isn't anything you can or cannot conceive. & it's taking a while for all this to sink in.
there are no magical metamorphoses, no mystical transformations. all this life is in one straight line. from point a to point b. i was never a caterpiller & i will never be a moth or butterfly. there's a sense of evolution, of natural selection. seasons of change. some of my closest friends have compared me to a chameleon, but then i realized they weren't my closest friends. there will be no parade, no party, no formal celebration when this is all complete. there is a beginning & an end & nothing can stop either one of those anymore. everything between those two points is completley undefined. leaving the greatest burden of the human race in my own small hands. no metamorphosis. can't keep waiting for the apocalypse to come.
shedding exoskeletons aside, returning voicemails, & lying on the couch. there should really be more prolific female writers. where are they all hiding. why do i not have a voice loud enough. nothing will ever be enough to satisfy, otherwise you're just lazy. resigning to a life of good enough is perhaps the worst fate in the entire world. every moment is a dizzying tailspin into death. into the end. it's all right up to the last minute before the final credits. there's nothing left. use that to your advantage. those with nothing left to lose have the most to gain anyways. & i have absolutley nothing. double that & it's still nothing.
there's a certain calmness to the chaos in my surroundings that's finally settling. nothing to prick those hairs on the back your neck that spell trouble. nothing left at all. dissolved like salt into water. sterile saline solution. eh, it all fades away anyways...



"FREEDOM IS NOTHING BUT A CHANCETOBEBETTER."-albert camus
...the dream ends in an extended stay american kitchen...
-silence...